Wildfires threaten to make Maui real estate affordable

WAILUKU -- Hundreds of acres of prime Maui real estate are in danger of becoming affordable to the middle class, according to real estate analyst Maile Gonsalves.

The industry veteran made the shocking announcement this week, confirming what many in local real estate circles have feared since the recent rash of wildfires began this summer.

“The fires are threatening to scare away our precious millionaire landowners,” Gonsalves said. “If this keeps up, we may have to face the possibility that spacious parcels of land boasting expansive views of the neighboring islands could fall within the means of any schmo with a six-figure salary.”

In response, tens of thousands Maui real estate agents sprang into action, performing numerous controlled burns in strategic areas and using bulldozers to build a fire line around several high-end West Maui developments.

“It’s a dire situation,” said Herbert Sullivan, of Sullivan and Sullivan Realty. “Sure the Hummer is paid for, but I’ve still got boat payments.”. Read the whole story by clicking here!

ABC Stores opens location on Molokini

KAHULUI –- ABC Stores, the state’s ubiquitous convenience store chain, opened its newest location this week on the tiny islet of Molokini. The store will provide visitors on day excursions to the island a place to purchase snacks, sundries and the popular “Hunks of Hawaii” calendar.

Wednesday’s opening ceremonies included traditional hula, an appearance by comedian Carrot Top and a performance from the cast of Cirque du Soleil’s “O.”

“I so needed another six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade and a lighter that said ‘Hawaii’ on it,” said Becky Vasquez, a visitor from Los Altos, Calif., who was among the location’s first customers. “I don’t even mind that it says ‘made in China’ on the bottom. Or that they spelled Hawaii wrong. It was all just so convenient.”

The store is the result of an unprecedented collaboration between local business and the Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources. Though protected as a state seabird sanctuary since 1978, the DLNR extended an emergency special-use permit to the Oahu-based company to establish its business on the previously uninhabited island.

“There was an overwhelming need for another ABC store,” said DLNR spokesman William Travares. “I was out there myself last month when I got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I don’t want to see that happen to one of our visitors.”

The Molokini location is the chain’s 950th store in Maui County.
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Faithful find Virgin Mary in quarterback’s hair

HONOLULU -- Believers began to descend on the University of Hawaii campus this week after an image of what some are claiming is the Virgin Mary appeared in the hair of star athlete Colt Brennan.

Brady Brockmeier, an equipment manager with the UH football squad, was the first to see the image of the Holy Mother in football player’s hairdo.

“It’s a miracle,” Brockmeier said. “Surely this is the Lord casting his holy Heisman vote.”

Brockmeier snapped a photo of the image with his mobile phone during practice and sent it to friends. In less than an hour the image was widely available throughout the religious blogsphere.

Margaret Rex, a coffee shop employee from Gary, Ind., is one of many Catholics who have made their way to Oahu to see the quarterback’s blessed coiffure.

“This is a hell of a lot better than the pilgrimage I took to Toronto in January,” said Rex. “Seriously. Check out these tan lines!”

Rev. Donald Peavey, a Roman Catholic priest and professor of theology at Boston College, said he plans to take at least two weeks to investigate the phenomenon.

“Does a surf board count as one of your two pieces of checked luggage?” asked Peavey.

While the faithful continue to leave flowers and burning candles in end zone at Aloha Stadium, some have gone on the record to question the divinity of the sight.

Walter Jackson, a religious scholar and author of the book “I Can’t Believe It’s an Apparition,” said the blob in Brennan’s hair is most likely the result of poor hygiene.

“It looks like he fell asleep on the dorm room floor,” Jackson said. “Cleanliness is next to … well … you know.”

Jackson added that if Colt truly had an “in” with the Lord then last season’s Oregon State game would have turned out differently.

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HDOT announces light rail for Maui by 4014, robot hobos rejoice

The state Department of Transportation announced this week its plan to build a light rail transit system on Maui. A 31-mile track will connect Lahaina and Kahului in an effort to alleviate congestion along the island’s chronically clogged Honoapi’ilani Hwy.

The project, set to break ground early next year, is scheduled to be complete by 4014. When adjusted for inflation, the project is expected to cost taxpayers just under $253 trillion.

“We just decided it was time to do something about the traffic on Maui,” HDOT spokesman Kimo Kalama said. “We can’t wait forever. We need action.”


Though Kalama admits flying cars in the future may possibly render the new rail system obsolete, he said he’s willing to risk the taxpayers money.

“No one will be able to say this administration didn’t do all it could do to easy Maui’s traffic woes,” Kalama said.

While some Maui residents have deemed the project “farking ridiculous,” the news was warmly received in the island’s robot hobo community.

“It’s about time they upgrade this system,” streamed local automaton XJ-37. “I’ll finally get to use the red handkerchief I tied to this stick so long ago.”


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go! Airlines offers free flights, will mow your lawn

Low fare airline go! pushed the envelope of one-upmanship Wednesday with the announcement of its latest promotion.

Passengers who book through the airline’s Web site and travel before the end of the year won’t pay a penny for their flight and will get their lawn mowed by a go! employee.

The stunt is the latest move in the ongoing “fare wars” that began when go!, operated my Mesa Airlines, entered the market in 2006.

“This offer caters to a niche group in Hawaii," said Jonathan Steinbach, director of finance for Mesa Air Group. “Not everyone has the time to travel and cut the grass. We hope those individuals will fly with us before our competitors.”

According to Steinbach, members of the go!Miles frequent flyer program are also eligible to have their car washed.

“We welcome those with dirty cars as well.”

Peter Marshal, a promotions engineer for go!, said his team will roll out several other incentives in the coming months.

“Right now we’re developing a program that offers piggy-back rides between go! gates and baggage claim, and we’re trying to get slot machines on all planes,” Marshal said.

When contacted for comment by The Maui Onion, the neighborhood boy who normally mows your lawn flipped the bird and returned to playing Madden ’08. Read the whole story by clicking here!

Monk seal found harassing sleeping tourist

Investment banker Carl James filed a complaint with the National Marine Fisheries Service this week claiming he was harassed by a Hawaiian Monk seal at Kaanapali Beach. The California native said he was asleep on the popular West Maui beach when he was approached by the critically endangered species.

“I was sleeping, minding my own business, when I got this sudden whiff of fish breath,” James said. “I opened my eyes and this seal was like a foot from my face saying, ‘Come on! Move! Do something! You’re so boring!’”


According to James, the seal then kicked some sand in his general direction and snapped a photo with his cell phone before returning to the sea.

“It isn’t right,” said William Jacobson, assistant administrator of the NOAA Fisheries Service. “When a visitor is hauled out on the beach like this it’s because they’re fatigued and need their rest. Disturbing them is inappropriate, unsafe and unwise.”

Jacobson said this type of harassment is rare, but does occasionally happen when Maui’s seals and tourists share the same shoreline.

“We try and educate. We put the word out that if you come across a sleeping tourist you should just to leave them be,” Jacobson said. “But there will always be those who find the situation just too tempting and try to get a rise out of the creatures.”

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Demigod Maui sues island for trademark infringement

The demigod Maui filed suit against the island of Maui in district court this week claiming the island’s use of the name violates federal trademark law.

Maui, who gave birth to the island when he pulled it from the bottom of the sea with his divine fish hook, claims his name has been used to market the island for years without permission.

“They could have come up with something a little more creative,” said the deified mortal. “I mean, ‘The Big Island’ isn’t terribly catchy, but at least it shows a little originality.”


Prescott Nguyen, a partner at Bernstein & Rosen LLP in Honolulu who is representing Maui, called the use of his client’s name “rampant” and demanded the island cease and desist at once.

“This time next year I want to hear Californians say they spent Christmas on 'that Hawaiian island second from the right.’ The name Maui is off limits,” said Nguyen.

The lawsuit states Maui had registered the trademarks to protect his name from use on, among other things, cheap souvenirs, calendars and sun visors.

“My client is particularly bothered by those short-shorts with his name arching across the backside,” said Nguyen. “What’s next? Are they going to name a marijuana plant named after him?”

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Cutting-edge entrepreneur plans to introduce karaoke to islands

Japanese businessman Kaito Suzuki was on Maui this week to rally support for his latest business venture. The 45-year-old entrepreneur wants to open a bar that plays popular music and lets patrons sing along on stage.

“It’s super hot right now back home,” said Suzuki. “The kids love the karaoke. It’s the next big thing!”

Suzuki held a meeting with local investors at the Maui Karaoke Room in Wailuku, which he said in hindsight “may not have been such a good idea.” Several investors remarked that the Wailuku business and Suzuki's idea appeared “strikingly similar.”

“I just saw the place in the phone book and thought it sounded like an appropriate place to meet,” said Suzuki.

Suzuki, who said his trip to Hawaii was the first time he’d ever left Kyoto, dismissed any similarities between his vision and what one inebriated local was doing when the DJ fired up “Roxanne” by The Police.

“My business let’s people sing songs that others are familiar with. I have no idea what that guy was doing. He sounded ill.”

Though the meeting ended without any capital being secured, the idealist remained optimistic.

“I still believe we can bring karaoke to the whole state. I’m sure my idea will go over great in Waikiki!”

Suzuki has been attached to at least one failed business venture – an ice company that catered to Eskimos – but he’s convinced karaoke will eventually find its way to Hawaii.

“As long as nobody gets drunk, sings out of tune or makes an ass out of themselves it will be fine.”

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Visitor exchanges soul for timeshare

Herbert Weisbaum picked up more than a sunburn on his recent vacation in Maui. The Houston, Texas sanitation worker purchased a week at West Maui’s newest luxury fractional ownership development Kaanapali Cove. The price? One soul.

“It seemed like a good deal at the time,” said Weisbaum, who admitted he only attended the 90-minute presentation to claim a free box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts and a $100 gift card for Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. in Lahaina. “I thought, ‘Score! I’m downing shrimp tonight!’ Who would have guessed I’d end up damning myself to eternal hell fire?”

Weisbaum added that the salesman, who he described as “slightly-horned and smelling of sulfur,” only asserted mild pressure and assured him that it was the deal of a lifetime.

“The guy was a perfect gentleman. Nothing seemed odd except maybe the cloven hooves and pitchfork, but hey, we can’t all be Brad Pitt.”

The premium week at the beachfront unit spans the Christmas holiday, making it Kaanapali Cove’s most coveted ownership slot. When asked if he’ll celebrate the holidays in Hawaii this year, Weisbaum said he has yet to decide.

“My girlfriend wants to go to Branson. We’ll probably try to trade it for a week there.”

Despite his future of an eternity enduring unimaginable suffering, Weisbaum said he’s excited about his purchase.

“I can’t wait to tell Earl back at the office that I own in Maui. That guy’s a real jerk!”

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