About 'The Maui Onion'

The Maui Onion is run by a talented trio of literati.



Dr. Cornelius Stallworth Jones

Jones was born and raised in the Democratic Republic of Congo. In 1993 he came to the United States to study literature at the University of Michigan where he served as the editor of the school newspaper.

It wasn’t until after he was accepted to UC Berkeley’s Graduate School of Journalism that anyone realized Jones was bonobo chimpanzee.

An extraordinary articulate simian, Jones battled primate prejudice to graduate at the top of his class and later earn his doctorate. After a tumultuous stint at USAToday in McLean, Va., Jones ran the city desk for The Arizona Republic. He was later recruited by The Maui Onion for his introspective prose and engaging water cooler banter.

Today, Jones lives in Wailuku. He enjoys running naked through the rainforest and throwing his own feces.



Michael Jackson

Jackson cut his teeth in the mountainous region of northern Afghanistan. Jaded by professors who read Star magazine and motivated by a hunger for adventure, he dropped out of Cornell’s English program only weeks before graduation and headed to the Middle East.

Armed only with an empty journal and a Westernized sense of entitlement, Jackson entered Afghanistan six months prior to the U.S. invasion in October of 2001 to cover the country’s ongoing civil war. He eventually managed to curry favor with key leaders of the Northern Alliance and reported from the front lines for Newsweek, The Christian Science Monitor and Cat Fancy magazine. For many Americans, Jackson’s work was their first exposure to the turmoil brewing in the region.

After sustaining minor injuries from a mime in the early days of the invasion (that’s not a typo, he actually got into a fight with an Afghani mime), he was flown back to America where, after a brief hospital stay, he fell out of the public eye. It’s now widely known that Jackson spent the following years in isolation, battling personal demons and learning to cope with his new-found fear of mimes.

He eventually resurfaced as the editor of the monthly newsletter for Pleasant Hills Retirement Home in Oakdale, Calif., and was recruited by The Maui Onion in early 2007.

And yes. He’s aware there was another, more famous, Michael Jackson.



Rebecca J. Guggenheim


At only 11 months-old, Guggenheim has already proven herself to be one of the world’s great journalists. She was recently honored with the George Polk award for excellence in journalism and managed to walk from the coffee table to the sofa unaided.

Though she's been shunned in some circles for her controversial political views and incessant drooling, Guggenheim has been anointed by many as the new face of modern journalism; round and rosy with a nose for news.

Despite her penchant for hard living and late night debauchery, Guggenheim’s battle-tested prowess has proven a boon to The Maui Onion team. Just don’t bother her before she has her morning macchiato. Seriously. Bad idea. Read the whole story by clicking here!