Everyone Files to Run for Maui County Council

WAILUKU -- As of the June 18 deadline for candidates to file for election, literally every man, woman and child in Maui County has filed to run for one of nine seats on the Maui Count Council.

According to documents, some 143,574 residents will vie to be one of the two top vote-getters from each district in the September 18 special election. Those candidates will then go on to have their names on the November ballot.

"There's always been an exceptionally high level of participation in the political process here in Maui County, but this turnout is a bit perplexing," said Charles Hasagawa, who works at the County Clerk's office.

"Few had the required amount of signatures, many aren't old enough to vote. Several dozen applicants just signed their filing with a big 'X.' I'm pretty sure 'Carlos and Montana' are the two spider monkeys that used to be at Maui Tropical Plantation, and one submitted form just has 'I LOVE JUSTIN BIEBER' written in every entry field."

Avery Johansen, a political science professor from the University of Hawaii, said that while this kind of heavy political participation would normally be thinned in the application review process, Maui County is not your typical political arena.

"There are some 143, 575 loopholes in the application process, so its possible every one of these applicants could very well get their name on the ballot," said Johansen.

In anticipation of a mass approval, paper wholesalers from around the world have already begun to submit bids for the printing of the special election ballots, estimated to end up approximately 5,000-pages long each.

But Johansen doesn't foresee the September election bring closure to the situation.

"Most likely each nominee will vote for himself or herself, resulting in a 143,574-way tie and a runoff election."

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Hawaii taro farmers request $750 million bailout

WAILUKU -- Representatives of Hawaii’s taro industry submitted a formal request for financial assistance to congress this week, claiming the global economic downturn has significantly impacted Hawaii’s demand for their crop.

According to Warren Tanaka, spokesperson for the Hawaii Taro Growers Association, revenue and loi across the state will dry up in a matter of weeks without the financial infusion.

“While it’s true taro production has seen a steady decline for the past 50 years and demand for poi is at an all-time low, we feel our woes can all be attributed to the current global economic climate,” said Tanaka. “This assistance will give us the opportunity to update our equipment, streamline our processing procedures, and buy each and every taro farmer in the state their own Gulfstream G250."

Tanaka added that the industry would consider a lesser bailout package however, if passed, sacrifices would have to be made, and state taro farmers might have to settle for a new car, tough that car would most certainly be foreign made.

The majority of the assistance would go to farmers on Kauai, the island responsible for the bulk of the state’s taro production, but anyone in the state with at least a single taro plant growing on their properties.

In a related story, the number of single-plant taro sales hit a record high this week. More to come.
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Local man really, really ready for hurricane season

LAHAINA -- In a show of radical over preparation, Lahaina resident Lance Dupree donned water wings and a swimming cap this week, stating he was officially ready for hurricane season.

As other neighbors purchased bottled water and stocked canned goods, Dupree adamantly vowed not to remove the flotation devices until the six-month long storm season ends in November.

“I saw what happened in Houston, in New Orleans. Sure everyone’s laughing at me now, but when the storm surge comes, boy are you all going to look stupid!”.

Dupree added that as he’s already safe from any tropical mischief Mother Nature can conjure, he’s currently in preparation for the forthcoming flu season, and is in a vigorous eBay bidding war with germAfobe74 for his own hermetically sealed personal bubble. Read the whole story by clicking here!

2008 World Economic Forum attendees vote for Maui in 2009

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND -- Progress came to a screeching halt this week at the World Economic Forum in Davos when key note speaker U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice paused mid-speech to ponder, “Why the hell do we hold this thing in Switzerland in January?”

Belated revelation slowly crept over the crowd of intellectuals, journalists, and global business and political leaders attending the annual meeting in the snowy Swiss ski village. Though daily highs rarely rise above freezing this time in winter, the WEF has been held in Davos for more than 30 years.

Yasuo Fukuda, Prime Minister of Japan and Chair of the forthcoming G8 Hokkaido Toyako Summit, was the first to suggest Maui as an alternative site in 2009, much to the general agreement of the assembly.

“The waves are epic, the sushi is great and Little Beach is a fine spot for meeting the ladies,” Prime Minister Fukuda added.

When contacted by The Onion to see if the Valley Isle would be able to host such a large, international event, Maui Visitor Bureau spokesman Carl Castle seemed uncertain.

“I don’t think there are enough Cadillac Escalades on the island,” said Castle.

Though how much work will get done over the last few days of the summit is yet to be determined, some progress has already been made. In an unprecedented show of unity, a consensus has been reached that the fruit punch being served is “too sweet” and that a mandatory 30-minute nap should be implemented immediately following lunch.

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Wildfires threaten to make Maui real estate affordable

WAILUKU -- Hundreds of acres of prime Maui real estate are in danger of becoming affordable to the middle class, according to real estate analyst Maile Gonsalves.

The industry veteran made the shocking announcement this week, confirming what many in local real estate circles have feared since the recent rash of wildfires began this summer.

“The fires are threatening to scare away our precious millionaire landowners,” Gonsalves said. “If this keeps up, we may have to face the possibility that spacious parcels of land boasting expansive views of the neighboring islands could fall within the means of any schmo with a six-figure salary.”

In response, tens of thousands Maui real estate agents sprang into action, performing numerous controlled burns in strategic areas and using bulldozers to build a fire line around several high-end West Maui developments.

“It’s a dire situation,” said Herbert Sullivan, of Sullivan and Sullivan Realty. “Sure the Hummer is paid for, but I’ve still got boat payments.”. Read the whole story by clicking here!

ABC Stores opens location on Molokini

KAHULUI –- ABC Stores, the state’s ubiquitous convenience store chain, opened its newest location this week on the tiny islet of Molokini. The store will provide visitors on day excursions to the island a place to purchase snacks, sundries and the popular “Hunks of Hawaii” calendar.

Wednesday’s opening ceremonies included traditional hula, an appearance by comedian Carrot Top and a performance from the cast of Cirque du Soleil’s “O.”

“I so needed another six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade and a lighter that said ‘Hawaii’ on it,” said Becky Vasquez, a visitor from Los Altos, Calif., who was among the location’s first customers. “I don’t even mind that it says ‘made in China’ on the bottom. Or that they spelled Hawaii wrong. It was all just so convenient.”

The store is the result of an unprecedented collaboration between local business and the Hawaii Department of Land and Natural Resources. Though protected as a state seabird sanctuary since 1978, the DLNR extended an emergency special-use permit to the Oahu-based company to establish its business on the previously uninhabited island.

“There was an overwhelming need for another ABC store,” said DLNR spokesman William Travares. “I was out there myself last month when I got the fever for the flavor of a Pringle and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I don’t want to see that happen to one of our visitors.”

The Molokini location is the chain’s 950th store in Maui County.
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Faithful find Virgin Mary in quarterback’s hair

HONOLULU -- Believers began to descend on the University of Hawaii campus this week after an image of what some are claiming is the Virgin Mary appeared in the hair of star athlete Colt Brennan.

Brady Brockmeier, an equipment manager with the UH football squad, was the first to see the image of the Holy Mother in football player’s hairdo.

“It’s a miracle,” Brockmeier said. “Surely this is the Lord casting his holy Heisman vote.”

Brockmeier snapped a photo of the image with his mobile phone during practice and sent it to friends. In less than an hour the image was widely available throughout the religious blogsphere.

Margaret Rex, a coffee shop employee from Gary, Ind., is one of many Catholics who have made their way to Oahu to see the quarterback’s blessed coiffure.

“This is a hell of a lot better than the pilgrimage I took to Toronto in January,” said Rex. “Seriously. Check out these tan lines!”

Rev. Donald Peavey, a Roman Catholic priest and professor of theology at Boston College, said he plans to take at least two weeks to investigate the phenomenon.

“Does a surf board count as one of your two pieces of checked luggage?” asked Peavey.

While the faithful continue to leave flowers and burning candles in end zone at Aloha Stadium, some have gone on the record to question the divinity of the sight.

Walter Jackson, a religious scholar and author of the book “I Can’t Believe It’s an Apparition,” said the blob in Brennan’s hair is most likely the result of poor hygiene.

“It looks like he fell asleep on the dorm room floor,” Jackson said. “Cleanliness is next to … well … you know.”

Jackson added that if Colt truly had an “in” with the Lord then last season’s Oregon State game would have turned out differently.

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HDOT announces light rail for Maui by 4014, robot hobos rejoice

The state Department of Transportation announced this week its plan to build a light rail transit system on Maui. A 31-mile track will connect Lahaina and Kahului in an effort to alleviate congestion along the island’s chronically clogged Honoapi’ilani Hwy.

The project, set to break ground early next year, is scheduled to be complete by 4014. When adjusted for inflation, the project is expected to cost taxpayers just under $253 trillion.

“We just decided it was time to do something about the traffic on Maui,” HDOT spokesman Kimo Kalama said. “We can’t wait forever. We need action.”


Though Kalama admits flying cars in the future may possibly render the new rail system obsolete, he said he’s willing to risk the taxpayers money.

“No one will be able to say this administration didn’t do all it could do to easy Maui’s traffic woes,” Kalama said.

While some Maui residents have deemed the project “farking ridiculous,” the news was warmly received in the island’s robot hobo community.

“It’s about time they upgrade this system,” streamed local automaton XJ-37. “I’ll finally get to use the red handkerchief I tied to this stick so long ago.”


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go! Airlines offers free flights, will mow your lawn

Low fare airline go! pushed the envelope of one-upmanship Wednesday with the announcement of its latest promotion.

Passengers who book through the airline’s Web site and travel before the end of the year won’t pay a penny for their flight and will get their lawn mowed by a go! employee.

The stunt is the latest move in the ongoing “fare wars” that began when go!, operated my Mesa Airlines, entered the market in 2006.

“This offer caters to a niche group in Hawaii," said Jonathan Steinbach, director of finance for Mesa Air Group. “Not everyone has the time to travel and cut the grass. We hope those individuals will fly with us before our competitors.”

According to Steinbach, members of the go!Miles frequent flyer program are also eligible to have their car washed.

“We welcome those with dirty cars as well.”

Peter Marshal, a promotions engineer for go!, said his team will roll out several other incentives in the coming months.

“Right now we’re developing a program that offers piggy-back rides between go! gates and baggage claim, and we’re trying to get slot machines on all planes,” Marshal said.

When contacted for comment by The Maui Onion, the neighborhood boy who normally mows your lawn flipped the bird and returned to playing Madden ’08. Read the whole story by clicking here!

Monk seal found harassing sleeping tourist

Investment banker Carl James filed a complaint with the National Marine Fisheries Service this week claiming he was harassed by a Hawaiian Monk seal at Kaanapali Beach. The California native said he was asleep on the popular West Maui beach when he was approached by the critically endangered species.

“I was sleeping, minding my own business, when I got this sudden whiff of fish breath,” James said. “I opened my eyes and this seal was like a foot from my face saying, ‘Come on! Move! Do something! You’re so boring!’”


According to James, the seal then kicked some sand in his general direction and snapped a photo with his cell phone before returning to the sea.

“It isn’t right,” said William Jacobson, assistant administrator of the NOAA Fisheries Service. “When a visitor is hauled out on the beach like this it’s because they’re fatigued and need their rest. Disturbing them is inappropriate, unsafe and unwise.”

Jacobson said this type of harassment is rare, but does occasionally happen when Maui’s seals and tourists share the same shoreline.

“We try and educate. We put the word out that if you come across a sleeping tourist you should just to leave them be,” Jacobson said. “But there will always be those who find the situation just too tempting and try to get a rise out of the creatures.”

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Demigod Maui sues island for trademark infringement

The demigod Maui filed suit against the island of Maui in district court this week claiming the island’s use of the name violates federal trademark law.

Maui, who gave birth to the island when he pulled it from the bottom of the sea with his divine fish hook, claims his name has been used to market the island for years without permission.

“They could have come up with something a little more creative,” said the deified mortal. “I mean, ‘The Big Island’ isn’t terribly catchy, but at least it shows a little originality.”


Prescott Nguyen, a partner at Bernstein & Rosen LLP in Honolulu who is representing Maui, called the use of his client’s name “rampant” and demanded the island cease and desist at once.

“This time next year I want to hear Californians say they spent Christmas on 'that Hawaiian island second from the right.’ The name Maui is off limits,” said Nguyen.

The lawsuit states Maui had registered the trademarks to protect his name from use on, among other things, cheap souvenirs, calendars and sun visors.

“My client is particularly bothered by those short-shorts with his name arching across the backside,” said Nguyen. “What’s next? Are they going to name a marijuana plant named after him?”

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Cutting-edge entrepreneur plans to introduce karaoke to islands

Japanese businessman Kaito Suzuki was on Maui this week to rally support for his latest business venture. The 45-year-old entrepreneur wants to open a bar that plays popular music and lets patrons sing along on stage.

“It’s super hot right now back home,” said Suzuki. “The kids love the karaoke. It’s the next big thing!”

Suzuki held a meeting with local investors at the Maui Karaoke Room in Wailuku, which he said in hindsight “may not have been such a good idea.” Several investors remarked that the Wailuku business and Suzuki's idea appeared “strikingly similar.”

“I just saw the place in the phone book and thought it sounded like an appropriate place to meet,” said Suzuki.

Suzuki, who said his trip to Hawaii was the first time he’d ever left Kyoto, dismissed any similarities between his vision and what one inebriated local was doing when the DJ fired up “Roxanne” by The Police.

“My business let’s people sing songs that others are familiar with. I have no idea what that guy was doing. He sounded ill.”

Though the meeting ended without any capital being secured, the idealist remained optimistic.

“I still believe we can bring karaoke to the whole state. I’m sure my idea will go over great in Waikiki!”

Suzuki has been attached to at least one failed business venture – an ice company that catered to Eskimos – but he’s convinced karaoke will eventually find its way to Hawaii.

“As long as nobody gets drunk, sings out of tune or makes an ass out of themselves it will be fine.”

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Visitor exchanges soul for timeshare

Herbert Weisbaum picked up more than a sunburn on his recent vacation in Maui. The Houston, Texas sanitation worker purchased a week at West Maui’s newest luxury fractional ownership development Kaanapali Cove. The price? One soul.

“It seemed like a good deal at the time,” said Weisbaum, who admitted he only attended the 90-minute presentation to claim a free box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts and a $100 gift card for Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. in Lahaina. “I thought, ‘Score! I’m downing shrimp tonight!’ Who would have guessed I’d end up damning myself to eternal hell fire?”

Weisbaum added that the salesman, who he described as “slightly-horned and smelling of sulfur,” only asserted mild pressure and assured him that it was the deal of a lifetime.

“The guy was a perfect gentleman. Nothing seemed odd except maybe the cloven hooves and pitchfork, but hey, we can’t all be Brad Pitt.”

The premium week at the beachfront unit spans the Christmas holiday, making it Kaanapali Cove’s most coveted ownership slot. When asked if he’ll celebrate the holidays in Hawaii this year, Weisbaum said he has yet to decide.

“My girlfriend wants to go to Branson. We’ll probably try to trade it for a week there.”

Despite his future of an eternity enduring unimaginable suffering, Weisbaum said he’s excited about his purchase.

“I can’t wait to tell Earl back at the office that I own in Maui. That guy’s a real jerk!”

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