Hawaii taro farmers request $750 million bailout

WAILUKU -- Representatives of Hawaii’s taro industry submitted a formal request for financial assistance to congress this week, claiming the global economic downturn has significantly impacted Hawaii’s demand for their crop.

According to Warren Tanaka, spokesperson for the Hawaii Taro Growers Association, revenue and loi across the state will dry up in a matter of weeks without the financial infusion.

“While it’s true taro production has seen a steady decline for the past 50 years and demand for poi is at an all-time low, we feel our woes can all be attributed to the current global economic climate,” said Tanaka. “This assistance will give us the opportunity to update our equipment, streamline our processing procedures, and buy each and every taro farmer in the state their own Gulfstream G250."

Tanaka added that the industry would consider a lesser bailout package however, if passed, sacrifices would have to be made, and state taro farmers might have to settle for a new car, tough that car would most certainly be foreign made.

The majority of the assistance would go to farmers on Kauai, the island responsible for the bulk of the state’s taro production, but anyone in the state with at least a single taro plant growing on their properties.

In a related story, the number of single-plant taro sales hit a record high this week. More to come.
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Local man really, really ready for hurricane season

LAHAINA -- In a show of radical over preparation, Lahaina resident Lance Dupree donned water wings and a swimming cap this week, stating he was officially ready for hurricane season.

As other neighbors purchased bottled water and stocked canned goods, Dupree adamantly vowed not to remove the flotation devices until the six-month long storm season ends in November.

“I saw what happened in Houston, in New Orleans. Sure everyone’s laughing at me now, but when the storm surge comes, boy are you all going to look stupid!”.

Dupree added that as he’s already safe from any tropical mischief Mother Nature can conjure, he’s currently in preparation for the forthcoming flu season, and is in a vigorous eBay bidding war with germAfobe74 for his own hermetically sealed personal bubble. Read the whole story by clicking here!

2008 World Economic Forum attendees vote for Maui in 2009

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND -- Progress came to a screeching halt this week at the World Economic Forum in Davos when key note speaker U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice paused mid-speech to ponder, “Why the hell do we hold this thing in Switzerland in January?”

Belated revelation slowly crept over the crowd of intellectuals, journalists, and global business and political leaders attending the annual meeting in the snowy Swiss ski village. Though daily highs rarely rise above freezing this time in winter, the WEF has been held in Davos for more than 30 years.

Yasuo Fukuda, Prime Minister of Japan and Chair of the forthcoming G8 Hokkaido Toyako Summit, was the first to suggest Maui as an alternative site in 2009, much to the general agreement of the assembly.

“The waves are epic, the sushi is great and Little Beach is a fine spot for meeting the ladies,” Prime Minister Fukuda added.

When contacted by The Onion to see if the Valley Isle would be able to host such a large, international event, Maui Visitor Bureau spokesman Carl Castle seemed uncertain.

“I don’t think there are enough Cadillac Escalades on the island,” said Castle.

Though how much work will get done over the last few days of the summit is yet to be determined, some progress has already been made. In an unprecedented show of unity, a consensus has been reached that the fruit punch being served is “too sweet” and that a mandatory 30-minute nap should be implemented immediately following lunch.

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